Survivor Series has always been a fun event for me because it always had these teams, some of wrestlers you’d NEVER see team up before, form these teams (back in the day the teams usually had these crazy names), and you’d never know if they’d get along or not, but you’d definitely tune in to see what would happen...and who would survive! I always sort of saw it as the WWE’s all-star game of sorts.
I thought, it’d be a blast to put together the ULTIMATE all-star Survivor Series dream matches featuring wrestlers from today and the past...some have moved on to other careers and other wrestling federations, some are retired, some may not even be no longer with us! But the fun is imagining....what if, right? We all do it sometimes, even comic book readers with our favorite heroes and villains!
I thought I’d see what it’d be like if I not only decided the competitors, but “fantasy book” how I’d think the match would play out! I’ve never done anything like this before, so bear with me!
Whether you enjoy wrestling, are a part time fan or not that into it at all, I hope you enjoy these fantasy dream matchups, if not for my twisted imagination and sense of humour!
Team Oh Canada
Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Chris Jericho, Edge, Lance Storm, The Mountie
Team USA! USA! USA!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jack Swagger, Kurt Angle, Lex Luger & Sgt. Slaughter
This one I have to admit is just a bit exciting as a Canadian (but with tons of friends and family in the good ‘ol U.S. of A)! I just thought it’d be fun to see some of the most patriotic grapplers from both countries battle it out for all the marbles! A “battle of North America”, if you will!
First off, I took some of my all-time favorite Canadian wrestlers: The Hitman, Y2J, The Rated R Superstar, Mr. “can I be serious for a minute?” and yes..We need THE MOUNTIE IN THERE! He’s da law! See, all of these guys are proud, hockey loving, Tim Horton’s coffee drinking, red blooded canucks, and ALL of them would be proud to work together to take on some of their American counterparts. All are pretty ridiculously awesome wrestlers that could put on a clinic in the ring as well!
Now for Team U.S.A., I know people are looking for a certain “Real American” in there...and no, I didn’t forget him or leave him out because of a scandal, you will see him later on another team, brother! But have no fear!! The team is pretty formidable!! They got an ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN (that actually makes him more American than an average All-American y’know), a legitimate Olympic gold medal winner, a guy that bodyslammed a sumo wrestler on an aircraft carrier, a real live member of G.I. JOE, and HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN as team captain, because SOMEONE needs to wave ‘ol glory down to the ring! HOOOOO!!!! These guys bleed American pie!!!
Well, to see this matchup would be just too fun. Seeing Bret and Kurt face is maybe one of the matches I have literally always wanted to see! Both in their prime, they would definitely put on a technical wrestling masterpiece to open up the match! I would definitely also love to see The Mountie and Sgt. Slaughter face off in a legends stare-down, but let’s be honest, Mountie was hilarious, but is very much out of his league here. I think one Cobra Clutch would spell the end of him. But one Spear out of nowhere from Edge could put The Sarge down for the count.
I imagine a really awesome spot with a double ankle lock on one of these guys, maybe on Edge, making him tap. As both pause in the middle of the ring for a “We The People” chant with the crowd, Jericho could then get some well deserved retribution on Mr. Swagger for cashing in his Money In The Bank briefcase on him a few years back with a well placed Code Breaker! Swagger’s done for the night.
3-on-3 now, Lance Storm puts out the veteran Hacksaw with his Canadian Maple Leaf submission but Angle gets back in and gives him a vicious Angle Slam, taking out his second canuck! Jericho and Hitman are left and things look bleak for my fellow countrymen! Luger comes in and takes on Bret, but the Hitman eventually slaps him into an excellently executed Sharpshooter and Lex taps out in no time. Angle comes in like a man possessed and tries to hit another angle slam on Bret, but Hitman slips out and Y2J and the Hart both take down Angle, making the Olympic hero tap out to some INSANE double-team submission they learned in the Hart Dungeon that we’ve never seen before in our lives and makes us cringe!
What, did you think I’d have the American guys win?
Survivors: Bret Hart and Chris Jericho
The Ultimate Heroes
John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Sting, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson & Ultimate Warrior
The Creatures Of The Night
The Undertaker (Ministry Era), Bray Wyatt, The Boogeyman, Papa Shango & Gangrel
*Now, before anyone decides they are offended because I put Hogan in here, I don’t condone the things he said and I don’t think he does either. I think we all need to learn to forgive people for their mistakes. Terry Bollea is simply a human man, and he and the ROLE he played for almost his entire lifetime is a cultural icon and important to wrestling history and should be recognized as so, in my opinion. I want to remember his legendary career and character and separate them from whatever happens in his private life, as it is just that: PRIVATE. Maybe we ALL should do that in some cases sometimes!*
We’re talking about a true good vs. evil matchup of almost COMIC BOOK proportions. This would be like Crisis On Infinite Earths and Secret Wars combined but with a few rest locks thrown in...because, match pacing. It’s important.
First off, the best all around good guys McMahon money can buy! Well, yes, almost all of these guys don’t have COMPLETLY spotless records of being good guys. Except Ultimate Warrior. He never turned to the dark side EVER. But mostly, they will be known as the true heroes of wrestling. They have fought more badguys than Justice League ever have! And let’s be honest! We’ve all had at least ONE of their posters on our wall at some point growing up!
Next, I went with instead of the most vile heels of all time, I instead went with the creepiest, ghoulish, evil and possibly supernatural threats EVER in wrestling! Honestly,as much as they creep me out, they are some of the coolest wrestling personas of all time. Bray Wyatt is the best bad guy character in WWE these days, Papa Shango literally used to scare me when I was a kid, Gangrel and Boogeyman I think are both actual monsters in their down time (what else are they gonna do? Drive a school bus?), and I decided to go with someone who is normally known as a good guy, but for this one occasion he could delve back into his classic role as the leader of the Ministry of Darkness from WWE’s Attitude Era, in which he was truly a classic villain!
I would love to see this start out with a classic staredown from both teams, with the crowd chanting the biggest “THIS IS AWESOME” chant of all time!! Then, an all-out brawl breaks out that the ref has no control over! The Heroes gain a strong advantage and clear the ring of the Creatures with a huge pop from the crowd! When the bad guys regroup they decide to send in the youngest of the gang, Wyatt to take on the legend himself, Hulk Hogan! This would be pretty awesome and Wyatt would command the fight against The Hulkster with ferocity, but eventually Hogan would get up with that classic YOU! motion and Wyatt would tag out to Boogeyman in complete fear of the power that is Hulkamania. With his classic smile to his Hulkamaniacs, Hogan looks over at the Most Electrifying Man in Sports AND Entertainment, The Rock!
The Rock stares down the creepy Boogeyman like only he can. Boogeyman does his strange shakey dance across the ring, making Rocky stare him down like only he can with the legendary People’s Eyebrow. Boogeyman takes LIVE WORMS out of his satchel and eats them in front of the People’s Champ with a disgusting, wormy grin. The Rock looks grossed out and simply responds with the HISTORY’S MOST EPIC Rock Bottom and pins Boogeyman 1, 2, 3! The crowd goes wild!
Rock tags out to Sting. Gangrel goes to go in but The Deadman stops him. In walks The Undertaker and the greatest possible Wrestlemania matchup ever is teased heavily. The crowd is losing their minds!! Grown men are screaming like little girls....or at least, I am. Stinger and Taker trade blows until Taker’s classic “soupbone” punches begin to overcome his opponent. Sting comes back with a series of vicious chops and backs Taker into the corner and finishes with a Stinger Splash! Taker is down and Sting locks in a Scorpion Deathlock, but Gangrel comes in and the vampire spits (fake) blood into Stinger’s face! The ref disqualifies Gangrel, but he just laughs and puts a beatdown on the blinded Sting. In comes Warrior to save the day and nearly takes off Gangrel’s head with a sick clothesline! He powerslams Gangrel and the evil vampire rolls out of the ring, never to be seen again.
Down to 5 on 3! Taker is in and dominates the heroes for quite some time. The Phenom goes to slap the Devil’s Gate submission on Cena, as Shango and Wyatt cackle in glee in their corner! Taker notices this and gets up with a grim expression on his face. Cena looks confused as does everyone else. Taker does his legendary “eye roll” and “throat slice” motions to his partners and pulls them both over the ropes into the ring! It almost seems like whatever voodoo control they had over the Deadman to revert him to the Ministry persona has worn off! After a double chokeslam to Bray and Shango, Taker exits the ring and walks past the heroes, only stopping to flash a menacing stare at Sting...once again teasing a future match between the two! Undertaker’s music hits and the Deadman walks back into the mists whence he came, not before raising his fist to the ecstatic crowd!
Confused, Cena pins Shango to eliminate him then tries to pin Wyatt, but he kicks out. Wyatt gets up and realizes he is alone with 5 of the greatest WWE superstars ever, and they all enter the ring looking to pick him apart! You’d think he’d be scared, but no. Bray’s begins laughing and rolling around in the ring like a man possessed...even doing his “Exorcist” crab walk! Suddenly the lights go out and when they come back on, Bray is standing in the ring with his 3 Wyatt Family henchmen, Luke Harper, Braun Stroman and Erick Rowan! The poor ref doesn’t know what to do, but soon falls prey to a vicious Harper clothesline. The heroes all look at each other, smile and do WAR with the Wyatts!!!
Is this a match anymore? Who cares?! It’s awesome!! The Wyatts look like they are going to win this fight, but it is 5 on 4 and once The Hulkster takes down Stroman with his vintage Big Boot and Legdrop combo, the good guys come back, hitting all of their signature moves, and clearing the ring of Wyatt’s goons, topping it off with Bray Wyatt tapping out (there’s no ref anymore, but whatever) to Cena’s STF!
The Heroes all celebrate in the ring as a portion of each of their entrance themes play and confetti rains from the ceiling...because the good guys always win in the end! Right?
Survivors: Every member of The Ultimate Heroes! YAY!
The Indie Invasion
Daniel Bryan, Seth Rollins, Cesaro, Kevin Owens & CM Punk
Brock Lesnar, Vader, Haku, Sabu & Cactus Jack
This match feeds into my fondness of both indie wrestling and hardcore wrestling. First off, we have a team devised of the most entertaining stars of today that are from the independent scene, and have dawned a whole new age for the WWE. And just for the heck of it, I threw in CM Punk, a guy that totally quit wrestling to venture into the world of MMA. But let’s not forget, he was the guy that basically BEGAN the trend of the WWE bringing in indie stars with lots of hype! If he ever came back for one more match, I’d love to see him pass the torch to these young bucks!
So it’s the indie stars of today vs. the absolute toughest and most fearsome team of grizzled veterans ever assembled! Captained by the most fearsome monster ever to walk into a WWE ring, Brock Lesnar, these are all guys that you never want angry at you. Vader is a guy I sadly only have seen wrestle during his 90’s WWF run and he wasn’t as fearsome then as his reputation preceded him. In Japan, he is a legend. Haku, is another guy that is known as one of the toughest men ever to lace up a pair of boots. His behind the scenes rep is much more notorious then what we’ve seen in the ring. Sabu is a personal favorite of mine from the old ECW, you see this guy coming at you and you immediately know it’s gonna be a long night. And finally, Mick Foley’s most dangerous and deranged persona, Cactus Jack. If you know anything at all about wrestling...you’ve heard of the insane death matches involving Cactus Jack.
The ideal thing would be for this to be the first Survivor Series match to be held under No Disqualification rules...meaning there AREN’T any rules! First off we have team captains Daniel Bryan and Brock Lesnar face off to a resounding barrage of “YES!” chants from the crowd. Brock arrogantly laughs at the diminutive underdog and tags in Sabu. These two have an impressive match, showing off Sabu’s rarely used technical skill, until Cactus throws in a folding chair and Sabu viciously hurls it straight at Bryan’s head! Punk tags in and comes straight at Sabu with a flurry of kicks and a bulldog from the turnbuckle, blowing a kiss at the opposing team for full effect.
Cactus comes in to square off with Punk and the two go at it! Punk eventually tags in Rollins and they perform a double team move on Cactus. Rollins goes for a pin, but Vader saves the three count with a barrage of vicious blows. He dominates Rollins until Cesaro gets the tag and scores a ridiculous suplex on the monster, followed by an attempt at the dreaded Cesaro Swing! Haku instead runs in attempts to break it up, but Cesaro counters into a Cesaro Swing on Haku! The Tongan Terror’s afro swings in the wind as the Swiss Superman swings him for a record breaking 27 revolutions! Once he stops, Cesaro is dizzy as hell and is stumbling around the ring like a drunk! For whatever reason, the Cesaro Swing had no effect on the ridiculously tough Haku and the locks in the dreaded Tongan Death Grip! Cesaro is weakening but reverses it into a Crossface submission! Haku taps! Brock Lesnar runs in and takes Cesaro to SUPLEX CITY!!! 5 ridiculous suplexes later, Lesnar hits the F-5 for the 3 count.
Owens is in and gets all in Lesnar’s face. The two arrogant as hell superstars trade some smack talk until Owens just pie faces Lesnar with a smug look on his face. Insulted, Lesnar takes him down UFC style with a flurry of punches. Owens tries to block but is in trouble. Lesnar is relentless until Punk and Bryan suddenly come in with kendo sticks and start wailing on Lesnar! Every member of Team Legit try to intervene but meet a barrage of kendo fury! Vader is last and gets a flying knee out of nowhere from Rollins! Owens comes back with a insane Pop-Up Powerbomb on the Mastadon for the count!
The ring clears and the Indie team once again scores a pinfall with Rollins hitting the Pedigree on Sabu. Lesnar gets his bearings back and comes in with a barrage of suplexes on Rollins! The deranged Cactus sets up a table on the outside and Lesnar suplexes Rollins right out of the ring right through the table!!! The crowd is chanting “HOLY S#@t!” He wasn’t pinned, but he is definitely out of the match.
Punk is in and the two MMA technicians (at least, I hope Punk is one by now!) face off! Punk’s MMA skill impresses Lesnar a great deal and the Beast tags out to Cactus! Cactus runs in swinging Barbie (his trusty baseball bat wrapped in barb wire) and everyone is just wondering where he got the gnarly weapon from! Was it on his person the whole time? We will never know. Punk dodges the “Barbie shot” and hits Cactus with the G.T.S. finisher. Jack’s headed to the showers.
It’s 3-on-1 with Lesnar all alone! But he doesn’t seem too worried. He’s in and suplexes the hell outta Punk. He slaps the Kimora Lock and BREAKS PUNK’S FREAKING ARM! Since it’s no disqualification, the ref is powerless to do anything! Punk cannot continue. Owens and Bryan are incensed with Lesnar’s actions and come in with a non-stop attack of double team moves on The Beast!!! They try putting him through the Spanish announce table (it’s always the Spanish announce table), but Lesnar counters and suplexes Bryan through instead! He battles Owens back into the ring and hits another F-5.
It’s down to Bryan and Lesnar!!! The relentless and defiant Bryan crawls back into the ring but looks like a goner. Lesnar has that bloodthirsty look in his eye! The crowd starts chanting “YES!” and Bryan feeds off of them!!! He gets a burst of energy and counters one of Lesnar’s suplexes with his patented YES LOCK!!! Lesnar holds on and gets to the rope, though. Bryan doesn’t back down and after a session of YES KICKS on the Beast, he goes for his signature Running Knee! But no!! Lesnar counters with a ridiculous F-5!!! It’s done! Lesnar somehow did it, almost all by himself!
Once again, the unbeatable conqueror shocks the WWE fans with an impressive victory!
The Survior: Brock Lesnar
I know this wasn’t the normal FPB fare, but I still hope everyone really enjoyed this imaginary “What If” Survivor Series matches (I had a blast writing this and letting my imagination run wild!) and my American Bleeder Budz enjoy their Thanksgiving weekend! Bleed Out, brother!