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The Hype Awakens | Breaking Down The Episode VII Trailer

Written by  Published November 30, 2014 01:24
Okay, calm the frak down! I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it. And I'm not talking to Hollywood this time. I'm talking to fans like myself!! Of course this is about the Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens (that's a long freakin' title) trailer that hit our computer screens and hasn't stopped filling up our news feeds for two days straight. 2 DAYS! It feels like 2 weeks that this thing has been out, doesn't it?! And we have a WHOLE year to irrationally whine about how this thing is going to ruin our childhood (that's completely impossible, by the way...your childhood is over. Unless your a kid, you can't say that thing and your childhood was a phenomenal success! Hug someone)! I'm probably the 40th internet columnist to analyze this thing, but I don't give a Felucian ground beetle! Nobody can do it like the Bleeder King!

 

So here's a few tidbits I found interesting from this barely minute long teaser. It's not very long, but damn...there's a lot to talk about!

 

That Damn Ball Droid

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So people just HAD to find something to hate on, right? There has to be a Jar Jar Binks type character in this thing, right? Well, I hate to break it to ya, but YES there has to be some elements thrown into the movie for the young viewers. If you can't take a couple of scenes of silly crap, well, you need to lighten up a little bit!

We don't even know this little droid's name yet and we already want to see it thrown into the rancor pit. Can you imagine if people complained this much about R2D2 before they even saw the first Star Wars? R2 was kinda silly, right? With all his bleepity bleep talk. We wouldn't even had a Star Wars trilogy if people pre-hated on him! It would have been as unpopular as Zardoz, only without seeing Sean Connery in a mankini.

What I'm saying is let's save our skepticism until it's validated and let's hope we don't need to see Harrison Ford half naked! For that matter, let's hope they keep ALL of the original cast fully clothed. The image of Slave Leia is best kept in our memories.

A wise scholar once said "ya betta check yourself before ya wreck yourself". We don't even know if Ball Droid is being played by Peter Dinklage! How stupid would we look then if Tyrion Lannister pops out of that thing...looking for wine and whores. It could happen! WE KNOW NOTHING!

Also...you do realize there's gonna be toy radio controlled Ball Droids coming out. And we all want one.

 

Funky New Stormtroopers

7Cue the Daft Punk, because these new stormtrooper helmets are all about the funk, baby! Look at them. With their fancy helmets n' stuff, standing in line like good little soldiers.

But why's the third one so short?! Is there a height requirement to being a stormtrooper?! SHOULD there be?! I don't know, but maybe we will see history repeat itself and a new set of heroes disguise themselves as troopers.

Makes sense, as we see one of the franchise's new stars, John Boyega (who was amazing in the film Attack The Block, you need to see that if you haven't), appear un-helmeted in a stormtrooper uniform and seemingly under duress. Could he be a spy for the Rebel Alliance (assuming the Alliance still exists)?

At any rate, I love the new stormtroopers and you can bet that Boyega is going to steal this whole new trilogy. He's THAT good.

 

Daisy Ridley = Jaina Solo?

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I'm taking a gigantic leap here, but seeing Daisy Ridley in Rebel attire and speeding away on that, uh, speeder made me really convinced that she is playing Han Solo's and Princess Leia's daughter from Star Wars lore, Jaina.

I know all expanded universe mythos is  to be taken with a grain of salt, but why not make Wars fans happy? She's a very popular cult character and Daisy looks like she could fit the part.

And how similar is Daisy's costume to Leia's Endor threads from Return of the Jedi? It's apparent that's what they were going for. It can't all be coincidence.

Could it be that Daisy's character is looking for Boyega's whereabouts?! Maybe Ball Droid is some sort of tracker droid. I'm just speculating here, but it would be cool if the droid had some purpose besides pissing off everyone.

 

Rogue Squadron. FTW.

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Oh yeah, babyyyy!! The X-Wings are back! Let's be honest...this shot got us all a little bit excited. Star Wars ain't Star Wars without a X-Wing dogfight, and it looks like this one will have it in spades!

Better yet, we got a glimpse inside a cockpit, and Oscar Isaac (of Sucker Punch fame) was revealed as a member of the Squadron.

This just screams awesomeness, as it is also the first time we've ever seen an X-Wing scene within a planet's atmosphere before. So that's something new.

Could it be that Isaac's character is to take Han's place as the wisecracking pilot? I hope so. We need a badass in this thing. It's what the prequels were lacking, I find.

 

#SaberGate

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This is the OTHER shot that has everyone talking. And I just don't see the problem. As we see a dark, cloaked figure (I'm guessing it's Adam Driver's character, but we can't confirm that yet) walking though woods, he suddenly activates what looks like a "crossed" lightsaber, with little mini sabers sticking out the sides.

So why's everyone so upset? As my fellow ENR columnist, Jess Kirby pointed out, "Luke wouldn't have lost his hand if he had a lightsaber like that". She speaks truths! This  thing simply has hand protectors! We all know people lose their limbs in lightsaber fights. It's a rule.

And hey, maybe he's gonna force-throw that thing  like a boomerang like in that Force Unleashed video game! There! Instant badassery! Or maybe this Sith lord (assuming that's what he is), has accepted Jesus into his life. The bible sure as heck makes more sense to me than all of that midi-chlorian business!

Again, calm the frak down and stop complaining about stuff you know absolutely nothing about.

 

Andy Sirkis Is The King Of Awesome

"There's been an awakening....have you felt it? The dark side.....and the light."

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One of the more interesting tidbits from the Ep VII trailer is the voice over. It hasn't been confirmed that it is Andy Sirkis doing the voice over, but it sounds like him and he definitely is in the movie. And while we can't figure out if he's playing Jedi or Sith, it definitely sounds as though this character will be one of the two. Also from what the character says it seems that after many years of being dormant, the struggle between the two factions will be rekindled. Maybe Sirkis is playing another elder Jedi from the Old Republic like Yoda?

Sirkis is literally taking over the geek world, as he will be the only actor involved with Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Avengers and Planet of the Apes! Nobody else can say that! How can one stay humble like Andy has with that resume?! And I'm assuming he's humble because there's no other reason why he doesn't walk around in a cape and crown with concubines throwing petals everywhere he goes. I mean, I call myself a king and I just basically try to find reasons to post She-Hulk pictures every week.

Has anyone else realized that Andy Sirkis has taken over the world?! Should we do something about that?! Nah...I think we should just accept him as our supreme ruler. ALL HAIL SIRKIS!

 

 

The Millenium Motherf%#kin' Falcon. 'Nuff Said

1

This was all I needed. They ONLY needed to show this to have me doing back flips (and me doing back flips is something to see)!

It was leaked a while back that we'd be seeing Han's "baby" in the new trilogy, and it's true! And like the X-Wings we get to see The Falcon duking it out on a planet's surface...against tie fighters!

Aw man, this made me high-five myself! We don't know if Han is flying it (hope so...with Chewie as co-pilot!) or the circumstances of the fight, but we don't need details, do we?!

The Millenium Falcon is back and looks better than ever! PEW! PEW!

 

So, that was pretty much everything I can spot in that trailer. Conspicuous by their absence is the original Trilogy's cast and any alien characters. I think it's a smart move by J.J. Abrams and Disney to not show too much, though. Because after all, people began already to nitpick at what they DID show. It's best to keep most of everything under wraps. To be honest, we don't need to see anything more.

So we will need to watch this one two gazillion more times and argue over Ball Droids and Cross-Sabers for now. And no matter what,we will be there on opening day. Everyone knows it.

Keep it clean and disinfected, Bleeder Nation.

 

 

Dave Michaels

With his unique brand of humour mixed with die-hard passion and knowledge for all things comic books, Dave Michaels puts his weekly spin on the pop culture like only he can. Each “episode” of Full Page Bleed provides fun, wacky commentary, interviews, recommendations of Dave’s favourite comics, and whatever else his “evil genius” can conjure up. What are you reading THIS for?! Read some FPB RIGHT NOW and PREPARE to BLEED COMICS! FPB is Here...

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